We’re back for a bonus edition of the 10-part series on the seven areas of living magically. This isn’t one of our core areas of living well, but it is essential. Today we’re going to talk about time magic, why it is so important, and what you can do.
The two most common reasons I hear for not living magically are that people don’t have the time and they don’t have the money. We’re going to talk about money when we talk about life purpose magic. This one is all about time magic.
What Is Time Magic?
We all know there are 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, 4ish weeks in a month, and 12 months in a year. Of course, there are things outside of our control. Also, we get to choose how we spend our time. The best choices are different for everyone. All of those choices have effects. We get to choose. Let’s talk about what we can choose to optimize as many areas of life as possible, but first, the background.
Why Is Time Magic So Important?
I’ll be using a lot of examples related to motherhood. This is because the imbalance of time is a huge, huge issue in modern society. Keep in mind that these examples can also be applied in many other ways.
Now, let’s get right into that big motherhood time issue. I have heard mothers talk about hospital stays as vacations. This isn’t just one opinion. I have heard it many, many times from mothers in all different life situations and phases. How horribly sad is that thought? Our society is such that getting sick or injured to the point of needing hospitalization can be viewed as a welcomed break by mothers. It tells us that far too many mothers don’t have enough time and space to recharge.
The needed support just isn’t there. We’ve all heard that it takes a village to raise kids, but where is this magical village? Maybe we have mom friends, that’s fantastic! We can lean on one another… except it doesn’t quite work like that. As much as our mom friends get it and want to help, many of them are so depleted that they’re struggling to take care of their own stuff. Sometimes our support system is super far away. They want to help, but that support is limited to phone calls and occasional visits that require plane tickets.
The Emotional Side of Time Magic
That’s just one part of it. So many mothers feel as though they have lost themselves along the journey of being a parent. They devote so much time, energy, and focus to being mothers that they neglect or abandon their own needs. Maybe that means setting a desired career aside. It could be dropping hobbies or saying “no” to time and connection with friends. There’s so much responsibility in being a mother that it can feel like there is nothing left for other things, no matter how important they may be.
Moms vs. Dads
Sure, dads can take on parenting roles as well. However, it’s all different. Mom brains and dad brains are wired differently. Dad brains are wired to provide for the family away from the family. Mom brains are wired to care for the family with the family. They are designed to be “on” for the needs of the kids. Okay, let that sink in. mom brains are designed to be on all the time. Even when they are working outside the home, away from the family, those brains are on and working in relation to the kids and the family in addition to the work they are doing away from the kids and the family. That’s okay, even good, until society doesn’t support the needs of families to function in ways that work for them.
There’s more. It has not become the norm in society for dads to give up so much when they become parents as it has with mothers. When dads become parents, how often are they asked “are you going to keep working?” How many moms vs. dads set aside hobbies that do not involve kids?
It is often viewed as socially acceptable for dads to have time outside of parenting, but not for moms. There is so much judgment wrapped up in moms leaving the kids at home for kid-free activities, or even going to work. This is so, so relevant to time magic.
The way we think about time makes all the difference in the world.
We have this weird cultural dynamic that involves time boundaries for women and mothers being viewed as selfish or in some way a bad thing. That could not possibly be any farther from the truth! When we fail to place limits on how much time, energy, and everything else we give to others we become depleted. That leads to suffering, and not just for the person who is depleted. Eventually, everyone involved suffers. Society suffers.
Think about it. A tired, overwhelmed, and completely depleted wife and mother may be able to put on a face and show up well for a while. However, it’s not sustainable. She may become disconnected, or she may erupt. There may be feelings of resentment or thoughts of wanting to get away. The most important relationships will experience tiny little fractures in the foundation. Without a course correction, those cracks will grow. The marriage suffers. Parenting becomes shaky. Things escalate.
It doesn’t have to be like this.
Time magic is the solution. We can’t make a day last longer than 24 hours. However, we can create more time in our schedules. We can make decisions that optimize the benefits of how we spend our time.
How To Use Time Magic
As mothers, we need to place a high value on our own time. This is important for us as people. We deserve it, even without the effects on others. Let that dive right into your core.
You deserve to value your own time, for you.
Also, since I know a lot of mothers are not ready to value themselves and their time so deeply, it does affect others.
Time Magic for You… and Others
Revuvinated people show up in relationships differently. Spouses are better able to communicate naturally and authentically. Parents are able to guide and make decisions from a safe space. Connection grows. Problems can be solved without all the added friction. Things become easier. The benefits compound.
Sounds great, right? So, how do we make it happen? The trick is to prioritize what is most important, drop what is not important, and find all the ways to make things flow more efficiently.
Some families choose to homeschool because their children can learn more efficiently at home (of course among other reasons). The focus is on what each individual child needs to learn. They get their daily curriculums done in maybe three hours as opposed to an all-day school situation. I’m not saying everyone should homeschool. We aren’t currently and it’s not the best option for everyone in every phase. However, we can use this as an example of how time can be better optimized through customization and intentionality.
Optimize the Time You Have
Don’t spend time on what doesn’t matter. Set aside some time to optimize time. Spend a little time now to gain a lot of time later and continue gaining time long-term. A little time spent now can save time over and over again in the future. Determine all the things most important to you. These can be things you enjoy, long-term goals, big dreams, and stuff for the family. Then, determine how you are currently spending your time. Do those things match? Are you spending your time on the most important things?
If the answer is no, then that’s where you start. If the answer is yes, then dive deeper. Sure, these things are important, but can anything be improved? Do you actually need to be the person to do them? What can you outsource? How can things be done differently? Are there any small tweaks that can be made to create a difference? What can be made into a double dip, one action to accomplish two (or more) goals at once?
Ask yourself these questions. Reevaluate and adjust regularly. You will be amazed at what you can come up with when you spend a little time focusing on time magic.
Time Magic: Now vs. Later
Okay now let’s go back to that idea of spending a little bit of extra time now to save time in the future, again and again and again. One big example in a family situation is responsibilities for kids. Little babies and kids don’t automatically learn and grow up knowing how to do household chores, for example. That’s something that has to be taught, or their learning in that area has to be supported in some way. They need the opportunity to try, and not get it right the first time, and try again.
In the moment, it is a lot easier for mom to do all of the things, the cleaning, cooking, laundry, and everything. It’s quicker if the kids can be occupied doing something else and she can just do all the things. It takes a lot, a lot more time, initially, for the kids to be doing it with her.
Time Magic Laundry Example
If the idea is laundry, for example, folding clothes, it may take mom 15 minutes to fold all of the clothes that need to be folded. It could take longer depending on how long those clothes have been piling up because she is too overwhelmed to get to them. If she is to work with the kids, that 15-minute task could take 30 minutes or an hour. That’s a lot more for someone who is already feeling like they don’t have enough time. It’s a lot for someone who is already feeling way behind in all of the chores.
You can pause and spend this time, more times than once because kids generally aren’t going to get it the first time. If you can have that patience, and teach the kids a little bit at a time to gain a little bit more responsibility and to build those skills, then eventually, those responsibilities can shift from mom to kids. They can begin to put away their own clothes, and then fold and put away their own clothes. That becomes something mom does not have to do on an ongoing basis.
Time Magic Cooking Example
The same thing goes for cooking food. At first, it’s going to take a lot more time to have the kids in the kitchen. There is going to be more of a mess. It’s going to be a slower process. Once they start doing a little more independently, eventually, those kids will have some quick and easy meals they can prep on their own. They can get more advanced. At some point, maybe a child could be responsible for cooking a meal once per week for the family. That is off mom’s plate. This is the idea of spending a little bit (or a lot) of extra time now to save a lot more time down the road. You as parents get to choose how much responsibility your kids have at any given time.
I’ll provide some time magic considerations that have made huge differences in different phases of my life.
Practical Time Magic
Getting enough sleep is huge.
This applies to myself and my kids, really, everyone. Some people are more sensitive than others but we are all affected to some extent. When I don’t sleep enough, everything takes longer. Yes, sometimes I stay up late to accomplish a task. Then I wake up at the same time the next morning because responsibilities continue even when I stay up late. This is a tradeoff and sometimes I do choose less sleep, but try to keep it to a minimum.
Why? Well, it may seem like I gain those hours of staying up late to be productive. However, the next day my productivity suffers. The work that would have taken an hour, for example, takes three instead. My thought processing is slow. I just don’t function as well. Consistently getting enough sleep allows me to be productive. I’m super fast and get soooo much more done in less time.
The same goes for kids.
When they are tired it takes them a million years to put on their shoes, for example. Choosing clothes for the day turns into a three-hour life event. 30 minutes of homework takes all evening. Meal times drag on and on. Don’t even get me started on bath time and going to sleep. It’s a common misconception that tired kids will fall asleep faster and sleep better. This is false.
Tired kids become wired and go completely crazy in the evening. This is why dinnertime through bedtime becomes the witching hour. Instead of calmly tucking in they need 3,000 sips of water. The really infuriating part is that it increases cortisol, which means they have trouble falling asleep unless they are so depleted that they pass out from exhaustion. Either way, they often sleep poorly, wake up too soon, or both. If this sounds familiar, your kid may actually be overtired. Prioritizing sleep for you and the little ones won’t solve all the problems, but it will solve or help a lot of them.
Okay, the next time magic hack is purging physical belongings.
While some items can save time, having a lot of them costs time. There’s cleaning and finding and just plain dealing with it. This is especially true when other people live in the same environment and move things. Toddlers are notorious for this. Create an environment for yourself that respects your time.
We move frequently. Every time we do I make a point to get rid of a lot of stuff. You can do this even if you aren’t moving. Just set a date on the calendar and make that your day to get rid of a lot of stuff. This is another example of spending some time now to save a lot more time later. It is so incredibly refreshing. Having less saves time and energy. Consider how much time you spend putting things away. In this case, more is not better. Have what you need and really like. Get rid of the things that cost more time and energy than they’re worth.
Toy Rotation
Along the same lines, consider rotating toys. Over the years we have learned that having one main set out at once is the way to go. I don’t like having a ton of random toys. It creates chaos for kids. Their minds are distracted and it’s hard for them to keep things put away. Things got a lot better when I got rid of a lot of random toys and separated the few remaining sets into bins. Only one bin or set can be out at a time. It gets a lot of attention for maybe a week. Then it gets completely put away before another one comes out.
The added bonus is that kids get to see these toys in a new light over and over again. It’s like going to the toy store and getting a new toy that’s fresh, except they already have those positive memories associated with playing with the toys that they have already played with. It’s memories and freshness at the same time. They’re extra interested in these toys and they engage as opposed to the energy they feel with toys that have been sitting in a corner unused for three weeks.
Time Magic for Better Flow
Simplify as much as reasonably possible. Have one way of doing things and stick to it as long as it works. This prevents decision fatigue. One example may be having a few outfits and rotating through them in order. Have systems for the things you do the most, or the things that take up a lot of time. For example, I often batch my meal prep. Then I can just throw things together for weekly dinners or packing lunches. Many Sundays I cook a lot and then pack three-ish days of lunches at the same time. It saves a lot of time.
Have routines.
Morning routines and evening routines are especially important. Also, you can have routines for work tasks, cooking, and anything else. Again, this one saves a lot of time. It eliminates that back-and-forth and indecision, speeding up the process and preventing decision fatigue.
Plan ahead.
Get everything you need at the grocery store once per week so you don’t have to waste time going back. Know what you have coming up so you can have things ready. This prevents bumping important things at the last minute because something else is more time-sensitive. There’s a big difference between important and time-sensitive. A lot of times, the things that are time-sensitive are not important. There are some things that are important, but continually get bumped again and again because they are not time-sensitive. Don’t let that happen. Stuff pops up unexpectedly, but it’s surprising how little that really happens when you’re on top of things. Planning ahead is more efficient and frees up time. Then you can focus on the most important as opposed to what is just time-sensitive.
Combine whenever possible.
Look for ways to get at least two benefits from one action. I like to talk on the phone or listen to an audiobook while cooking, cleaning, or taking a walk. This allows me to get some social time, entertainment, or learning while being productive in other areas.
When my kids were little my favorite thing was the running stroller. Instead of completely giving up with physical activity I was able to shift. I was a hockey player, but that wasn’t a reasonable option time-wise when we moved away from ice rinks. So I switched to gym workouts. I knew that the important goal was being physically active. My first choice would have been playing hockey, but it would have cost more than it was worth. I could accomplish that same goal in the gym with a fraction of the time expenditure. Then I could also focus on other goals, career goals, life goals, in addition to accomplishing that goal of remaining physically active. This is what I mean about balance. Sometimes there are tradeoffs.
You give up some things to make sure the most important things are still there.
Gym workouts did not work for me with little ones because of their needs, not having someone to watch them, and time. I switched to running outside with the stroller. They loved it once they got used to it (there was some crying, temporarily). This is another example of spending a little bit more time, energy, and having patience in the moment for things to be better and save time in the long run.
It was a lot in the beginning because they didn’t like it. They did cry, and I stuck with it. I’m so glad I did because it became something that we all enjoyed together. I got my exercise and they spent calming time outdoors. The unexpected bonus was that it was a lot of time they weren’t spending making messes for me to deal with. They were buckled in so I didn’t have to worry about following them around everywhere. They were safe, and most of the time, content.
Don’t overfill your schedule.
Clear your plans and commitments. You don’t have to take part in all the things. Do you actually want to do it? “No” can be a complete sentence, or “no thank you” if you want to be more polite. Don’t feel like you need to pack the kids’ schedule, either. Yes, the activities are good. Also, too much is detrimental to child development. We recently decided to cut back on kid activities, even though we like them. It became too much for me, and for them. You get to decide what is enough and what is too much for you and your family.
Strive for consistency.
Things won’t always be the same, but you can have some consistency in life. This can decrease decision fatigue and time that would otherwise be used to shift or adjust to changes. Make it easy and stick to it. This may seem like a silly example but I typically get the same type of plant. It’s hardy type and low maintenance. Every time we move I gift my plants because they’re still alive (and I do not have a green thumb). As we settle into a new home, I get a new one, or a couple. It’s the same type. When we go on trips I water them the night before we leave. They’re good for a couple of weeks.
It’s easy and doesn’t require a lot of time because I have found what works for me and keep it the same. Even when life is chaotic I find some consistency. Especially when things get crazy, and during times of transition, I strive to keep certain things the same. This saves time and energy. As a bonus, it’s grounding for the nervous system. It’s calming.
Consider getting help.
This last one has a caveat. Consider asking a friend for help or hiring a service. There is no shame in it. We hear that stuff about how we can’t do it all. In some ways, it’s true, because we can’t do literally everything. Humans are made to do life together. We really do need other people in order to thrive. That doesn’t mean we need lots of people in all the ways that outside influences tell us we need them.
This idea that we can’t do it all is also not true. We are capable of doing everything we need, our kids need, and our families need. Technically, we don’t need any outside help at all times. Sometimes it actually works better when we turn in and become our own support. I know this because in certain phases I have done it and I have seen others do it. Sometimes it really does work better.
Providing everything truly needed requires ditching all the things that are not needed, the extras. You do have magical powers and you can do life alone. Also, you don’t have to. Do you want to? How do you want it to look? Life with a community may look like a lot of practical support. Or, it may look like someone you can talk to, someone who gets it and cares.
What works best for you?
During most phases, I have not had much outside help. However, I have benefitted during the phases of accepting extra help. We tried childcare for my older daughter before she started school and it didn’t work for us. It didn’t last long. It’s fantastic for some people. If it works for you, do it. I have paid someone to clean my house in two different phases. It was great and worked well at the time. It doesn’t work well for us all the time. That’s not something I do now. It’s not best for me in this phase, but I may do it again if it fits.
The point here is that if you don’t have options for outside practical help, it’s okay. Just cut the unnecessary stuff instead so you can focus on what is most important to you in each phase. If you do have those options, and it helps you, go for it. Either way, make sure your emotional support needs are met. That’s some magic that can really fuel every other area of life.
You are enough, and it’s okay to ask for help.
Just to reiterate, no, you do not need to accept all the help in all the ways. Sometimes that may actually be detrimental to your time and your energy. Accept what works best for you, and say “no” to what does not work for you. It doesn’t have to look the way it looks for someone else. This is personal for you. You are completely capable of supporting yourself and your family. You get to decide what you need most. Try to have whatever support works best for you and forget about the rest.
We all get to choose. Try to make the decisions that benefit you and your big goals the most. When you do sacrifice, make sure you like the reasons for those sacrifices. Be aware of how everything is impacted. If you don’t like it, choose something different. Your time is valuable. Use it in ways that lead to living magically. You are worthy of every single bit of a magical life.
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